Where have all the single men gone? They’re ice climbing!

Tired of searching for eligible bachelors online, Meg and I spend a few weekends going out to bars and restaurants, blatantly looking for dudes. Nothing terrible, we didn’t hooch out or anything just went out as two single gals looking meet new people.

Weekend one we hit Meg’s neighborhood and go to an Irish bar we are very fond of. Little did we know we were about to enter the couple zone. It was beyond ridiculous! After dinner and a few drinks we could not stop laughing, it was like we missed some sort of a rally where everyone in the city got paired up. “Did you get that memo?” I asked Meg. Come to city hall, last chance! EVERYONE gets a mate!!!

Not to be discouraged easily, we spend the evening cracking up and enjoying “couple watching” – the couple that has been together so long they don’t even talk nor look at one another, the couple on their second or third date just dying to make out but getting drunk to make it more comfortable, the cute couple in their early 20s who can’t go anywhere without holding hands (to be perfectly honest we hoped they would spontaneously burst into fire for their adorableness and blatant bliss), the couple we couldn’t figure out (are they brother and sister? Friends? Is he gay?), the couple that has been together for 10 years and may or may not be married and eat way too much. Every person who entered the bar was with a partner. Well except for the cute bartender but we’ll save that for another entry as that option is yet to be explored. Overall the night was surreal but really funny.

The next weekend we decide to change it up and we visit several establishments in my neighborhood. We actually went to four bars and encountered the same story – couples, couples, couples and more couples. With ever bar this got less and less funny to the point where it got depressing and then it just pissed us off. What is going on? NO single men? NO men who are not single but out with their friends? We’re just out looking to talk to people – at this point any male attention is welcome. I was two beers away from walking up to some random dude, looking at his date and asking: who’s the bitch?? (Story to be explained at a later date as well).

Little did we know the answer to our question was just around the corner. As Meg mentioned previously, we were lucky enough to spend last weekend in the UP at the Michigan Ice Fest, the title of which is very deceiving as it should be called the Michigan Hot Man Fest. Holy mother! Hot men just traveled in packs of four, they were everywhere! The hotel, the pool, the restaurant, the registration, the slide shows and the bar. Even hotter? It was Super Bowl weekend and these dudes could have cared less, they were here to climb some ice! I couldn’t even begin to count the amount of cute, bearded, blue eyed, stocking hat wearing men with amazing butts. And did I mention polite? I mean, dudes who can fix stuff and your mom would fall in love with. And they all seemed to think we were hilarious. We were in such awe we couldn’t even do anything about it. So not prepared for all of this!!

So, the plan for next year: head to the UP, score some hot athletic men and climb more than two feet of ice. The way things are going around here it may the next time we run into a single dude.

John Mayer Gets Me (and Meg)

Meg and I have recently developed an infatuation with John Mayer. Yes, I know we’re a little late to jump on that bandwagon but we’re not spring chickens. It’s much easier to get infatuated with a musician while in college, 1) you’re probably drunk and 2) you have access to super cheap and frequent shows.

I don’t recall how exactly we stumbled upon our new semi-obsession but I think it began with the Dave Chappelle skit. Then http://www.perezhilton.com/ drove us to John’s website, forcing the realization (through reading his blog,http://www.johnmayer.com/blog ) that JM is pretty funny. And, although we don’t know him personally and most dudes lack this attribute, he appears to be a normal guy (with mad talent).

Step one of the obsession: listening to as much JM as we possibly can. This only fueled our adoration of the guy, has anyone heard Come Back to Bed?

Still is the life
Of your room when you're not inside
And all of your things
Tell the sweetest storyline
Your tears on these sheets
And your footsteps are down the hall
Tell me what I didI can't find where the moment when wrong at all

You can be mad in the morning
I'll take back what I said
Just don't leave me alone here
It's cold, baby
Come back to bed

Okay, John. Sheesh. Of course I’ll come back to bed. I mean, you’ll take back what you said. I’ll be mad in the morning.

Or how about this gem from Your Body is a Wonderland?

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

That guy. Never lets my head hit the bed without his hand behind it.
But really. Could JM get it more? (“it” meaning Meg and me. And probably scores of other women). With lyrics like this John could look like Sloth from the Goonies. How is he channeling all this wisdom? Has he made a deal with the Devil? Is he even human? Does he have normal parents?

Step two of the obsession, looking for John on YouTube.com. Initially this began with the search for the Chapelle show skit but we’ve unearthed a plethora of John footage. Apparently he had some skits on VH1 a few years ago called John Mayer has a TV Show. Check out this gem:



And how about this:



You have to be shittin’ me, the dude is freaking hilarious too? How is it that he can read my mind so well AND be side-splitting funny? At this point I’m pretty convinced he’s an android sent from the future to mess with women’s heads.

Anyway, I’m sure JM is as a great guy in person as he is on video/paper. I mean, he requested a cum drop on his lip on Perez’s site (http://perezhilton.com/topics/john_mayer/theres_something_in_the_gravity_20070102.php) because he gets it.

AND, more importantly he gets us.

What’s that? I look so good it hurts sometimes? Aww…that guy….

I am < > this close to making out with my pillow

I’ve been out of dating commission for a while. This fall has been nuts. I had surgery, I worked 14 hour days all through October and I moved to a new neighborhood. My dating life has been on hiatus. It’s been necessary but now I’m emerging out of the chaos and I would really like to meet someone. Because, as I told Meg last night, I am this close < > to making out with my pillow.

Here’s my problem: I am dang sick of internet dating. I hate it. It’s fun to do for a while but then it get’s super lame. So this brings up the stressful issue of how to meet people outside of match.com and craigstlist. I’m beyond going out to bars and having one night stands. I am NOT looking for a serious relationship. I’m looking for a low maintenance relationship. The dude that will spend the night on weeknights, eat frozen waffles with me in my kitchen in his underwear and not expect that we hang out every Friday or Saturday.

Easy enough, right? Dudes hate commitment!! Now where to find these dudes that aren't gross. I talk to everyone I can at any event I go to. Readings, parties, whatever. I find most men are 1) married or 2) gay. Sometimes you strike on a rare single gem but then they either hit on your friend or there is negative zero chemistry. So what to do? I have no idea. But as I am officially back in the game, I will figure it out and share it with everyone who reads this blog (hello 2-3 readers!).

Wish me luck. (and my pillow – it might be a rough night)

Once an Alien, always an Alien

*Blogger is pissing me off a little. It's lost this entry like twice. Annoying.

I don't have much time to update as I'm busy with real life stuff like work (and with all the shit that has hit the fan I really need to organize my thoughts). A quick foreshadowing of the update to come. Here is my latest opinion of B.


Yes, that is a dagger in his head and a piece of poop on the other side.

Such high hopes for this one and bleh! He's an alien being all over again.

When will I learn not to get excited about these assholes? Anyone?

dounkin' dough..what?

B dunked his krawler in my coffee last night. We had a fun date, a great night and a silly morning.

B's current standing: champ.

No Cobblers!

My dear dear married friend, Goo$e, sent this to me. He's married (Soup Can was the best man) to the most wonderful gal. They give me hope that one day I'll meet someone not entirerly insane. (BTW, the image is from www.marriedtothesea.com)

Speaking of hope, I have a "date" with B on Friday. We've been emailing a little this week, all good, I think. So I hope it goes well. This may be the makeout date. Not sure yet. That B is a tricky one! I'll update on that event this weekend.


*update
So I email B this afternoon asking him what the plan for tomorrow is. Sorry but I'd like to know - a girl has other social events to attend! I get an email back asking when I get off work, he gets off work at 3:30. I send an email back explaining that I am free after 6:00. Then nothing from B.

Slightly annoying.

Around 8:00 pm tonight I send a text message (which makes me feel like a nag and I'm annoyed by this, but I want to see other friends that night too) asking if he has a time estimate. The following text message exchange just occured:

B: Hey! Maybe 8?

Beth: Hey, 8 is fine. How about Charlie's?

B: Charlie's Ale House?

Beth: Whatever Charlie's is on this street.

B: Don't give me whatever

(OKAY is he KIDDING? I mean, he should be but in the back of my mind....wtf?)

Beth: Listen, Sassy. The Charlies on the corner of this and this street.

So far, no response after an hour. Seriously dude, why do you spend hours making me cds and printing out cd covers that are really creative and fun - and you can't answer a one line text message? And the "maybe 8" is so reminscent (sp?) of the "maybe Friday" from Memorial Day weekend. Ohhh.....it's a holiday weekend thing with this dude. Some people act queer when there is a full moon. B does it around holiday weekends.

Stay away from that dude around Christmas! No saying what weird shit he might pull. Sheesh.

Dating for Aliens, Part Deux

After a two week hiatus I get a message from B. I was surprised but pleasantly. I was hanging out with Trudy when said contact occurred, via text message. As Meg was visiting family out of state, I immediately text message her: B texted me, he wants to go get a drink tonight. Except that I send the text to B. Oh yea. SMOOTH. As soon as I realized what I have done, I scream. Trudy falls to the floor laughing. And I have to give B credit here. This is what I get back: He does.

It was hot that day but I was sweating from embarrassment.

I met B for drinks that night. I had a lot of fun. He’s super fun and nice. And wears really good pants. But what is going on here? There’s hugging and he’s paying for drinks but I am still not getting a clear read on this one. Maybe because he’s nice and funny and doesn’t stare at my chest. Or maybe he hasn’t gotten to that chapter in the Alien/Human dating manual yet. The good news is that I like him more and more. The bad news is….well there is no bad news. We exchanged some emails today – a great step – and we’re heading for drinks next week. Now: how to pay for the drinks….he keeps buying and I’m way overdue to take him out. And how to do something else besides drinking. Not that I mind boozing on dates, but maybe a walk of sorts? I’m too tired to think of something right now. Suggestions are welcome.

Overall freakiness factor: this is happening organically and I am so not used to that. I can’t wait to see what chapter of the Alien/Human dating manual he gets to by next week so I can keep you posted. Also, I’ll ask Soup Can for an evaluation of the situation as well. We all need some male perspective sometimes. But (who are we kidding here?) rarely.