Payback is a bitch...but we're even bigger bitches

Let's talk payback.

So Trudy and I are enjoying $4 martinis at a favorite bar last Wednesday. I'm on my way out of the bathroom and out of the corner of my eye I catch some dude smiling and making eyes at me. I flip my hair and look up only to find Bastard M looking at me and smiling.

Bastard M is a dude Meg dated for a couple of months....nothing heart breaking but he cheated on her, lied to her and put her in danger of getting all kinds of STDs. She didn't cry over the dude but he did a way shitty thing. We've been trying to figure out how to punish him for a while now.....mess with who ever is dating him now, get him fired, burn his car...you know. Usual payback stuff.

So I make eye contact with Bastard M and wonder if he recognized me or if he think's I'm some gal he shtuck last year. I only met him once, briefly. As I round the bar and get out of his line of vision I run back to the table and let Trudy in on who's at the bar. We decided we can't pass up the opportunity to do something. But what?

I suggest going over there and dumping a glass of water on his head and calling him a bastard. An okay idea, as I could be any of the gazillion girls he fucked and doesn't really recall but messy and we like the staff. Trudy (who has another friend Bastard M has penetrated) suggests she gets two shots, spits in one and takes them over there, asks him to do a shot and gives him the nasty one. Okay but eh....will he do the shot? It's just odd. Then we come up with a brilliant plan.

As our amazing server gal brings us new drinks we give her the 411. We ask...can we send over a drink that we spit in? We're expecting a firm no, but our gal comes through for us. She'll bring us a drink and leave it on our table for a bit and then come back to deliver it. We salivate at the idea. And a good thing we did. As she drops the drink over at our table, she suggests dropping the garnish on the floor. Trudy grabs the lemon twist and proceeds to rub it on the floor for a good 30 seconds. I spit in the drink, she spits in the drink...the garnish gets put back in. I then pick a booger and mix it in (the drink was a martini with pineapple pulp, a booger is undetectable) and Trudy sticks her pinky in her ear, moves it around and then rims the glass. We mix it all up and our gal takes it over.

Bastard M was surprised when the server put a drink in front of his face and said: looks like someone at the bar likes you! At that point he was clearly on a double date. 15 minutes later our server did another swoop. She approached our table laughing. What is going on? Oh, both Bastard M and his date are sharing the drink. VICTORY!!!! We tipped our server 100% and made our escape. I love being a girl and I love my friends that'll do shit like this with me.

Does this put Bastard M in the safe zone? No. He will be killed a little each time we run into him until he's a former shell of what he used to be. But for now, it'll do.

I'll let Meg fill ya'll on Bastard M's lameness so you can understand better. I can't wait to make him cry a little.