This picutre cracks me up.
Here is my recent experience with Neighbor B (I’ll shorten to B for time’s sake). Maybe someone can explain his behavior to me because to this day I have no idea with B’s problem is.
I live in a great one bedroom on the 3rd floor of a three flat. I have a washer and dryer in my unit. My landlord and his family live on the first floor and up until recently the second floor was occupied by two guys, B and his roommate. For a year and a half I talked and ran into the roommate on a regular basis but never officially met B. Over the holidays a card appears by my front door. On the envelope it reads: Hey Sexy. On the inside (the card has bears in suits on it) it says: Hey Sexy, Merry Christmas, Call me, B! *insert phone number* I assume my neighbor got drunk and I leave things as are but we do share a couple of awkward glances when we see each other on the stairs.
One Saturday morning not too long after the holidays, I open my front door to find a bottle of wine and a note. B is asking to bribe me to do a load of laundry (B and his roommate don’t have laundry facilities in the building). The bottle of wine was a bit much but this didn’t surprise me as if I were in B’s place, I’d be asking to do laundry at my place all the time. I go downstairs, introduce myself, and let B know I’ll leave my apt open for him, as I was leaving for the day. I come back to a lovely thank you note on my table (black stationary, silver pen). What guy owns a silver pen?
Over the next few weeks I run into B at the store but fail to realize it’s him and walk right past until it’s too late. Oops. Meanwhile Meg and Trudy are hard at trying to convince me that B has a thing for me. I still think he just wants to do laundry.
Few weeks later I come home and there is a CD on my door. The attached notes says: I made you a CD, can you tell I need to do laundry? Let me know if that’s okay *insert number* I’ll owe you one again! He made me a CD? He printed a title and matched the song fonts to the artist fonts? Meg and Trudy fly into a frenzy of “he so wants you!”. I’m still skeptical. This time I was home when B came over. He had literally 3 things to wash. I apologize for blowing him off at the grocery store and we chat for 45 minutes. Turns out he’s a great guy! He’s funny! He’s wearing a good cashmere sweater, in that alternative way. He lets me know him and the roommate are moving out in a few weeks. But then I leave for a bbq and he finishes his laundry.
Finally, a few weeks after that I come home to find another CD on my door. Note on it this time says nothing about laundry but asks me out for a drink. This one is also all printed up with coordinating fonts. OKAY – so Meg and Trudy were right, B has a crush.
So B is wooing me and when is the last time any us have been wooed? I’m flattered. We play phone tag for a week or so but make plans for him to join me and my friends on my birthday – his moving weekend. B shows up at the bar and waits for us for an hour and is fun all night. He fits in well with everyone, is very attentive to me. When we end up at my friend’s house at 1:00 am to watch movies, he pays for everything we pick up at the grocery store before – beer, snacks, ect. We end up watching movies, drinking, and cracking up till four or five AM. At this point, B is between apartments so he ends up staying at my place on the air mattress. Wakes up in the AM, goes out and brings us all back coffee (another friend was staying with me too). At this point I’m thinking: I’m not attracted to the guy, but he’s funny and nice AND he’s trying real hard. A date is in order. And at least one make out, if I can handle it.
Two days after I get really sick and am out of commission for 3 weeks. B sends me a few text messages but I explain the situation and he wishes me well and periodically checks in.
Once I get better I text up B. He sends me a message during the week asking if he can buy me a drink. I say yes but don’t hear from him until that Saturday in the late afternoon. Well balls, I already have plans! I suggest Sunday, which gets no response from B, just a voice mail that says: are you going out tonight? I have to say, I’m a little annoyed.
Later that week I feel bad so I send B a message suggesting that we grab a drink during the week. I get a note back saying – maybe Friday. He’s busy at work. Okay – that’s fair but I don’t hear from him until 10:00 pm on Friday while I’m already out. Voice mail: it would make me really happy to get you a drink tonight. Dude, itss 10:00 pm on Friday! Call at 5:00 pm. So I send a message – I’m out already, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend? NO RESPONSE until (hold on to your chair!) a text message at 1:30 am on Sunday. Message reads: Are you still up? (oh yea it did!!).
Sunday Meg and I hit the beach and try to figure this out. No way this guy wooed me for months for a booty call. I send a message: isn’t it a little early for booty calls? I get a lame response back, something about how he was out in the neighborhood and wanted to see if I was out. You didn’t know you were out before 1:30? Right. B got busted. He then sends a lame message inviting me to a bbq at his house – that afternoon. I didn’t even respond. Thanks for your lame ass last minute invite I did ask you what your plans for the weekend were on Friday, apparently it didn’t dawn on him to invite me then. Haven’t heard from him since.
One of my guy friends, Soup Can, had a theory. B is an alien that read some sort of a “how to mate with a human” manual and tried the wine and CDs and now is confused as to why the booty call didn’t work. Good theory. But here is my question: is this guy really an alien or just a tool? Other suggestions?
It’s your call! (And lets not make it a BOOTY call)
