Where have all the single men gone? They’re ice climbing!

Tired of searching for eligible bachelors online, Meg and I spend a few weekends going out to bars and restaurants, blatantly looking for dudes. Nothing terrible, we didn’t hooch out or anything just went out as two single gals looking meet new people.

Weekend one we hit Meg’s neighborhood and go to an Irish bar we are very fond of. Little did we know we were about to enter the couple zone. It was beyond ridiculous! After dinner and a few drinks we could not stop laughing, it was like we missed some sort of a rally where everyone in the city got paired up. “Did you get that memo?” I asked Meg. Come to city hall, last chance! EVERYONE gets a mate!!!

Not to be discouraged easily, we spend the evening cracking up and enjoying “couple watching” – the couple that has been together so long they don’t even talk nor look at one another, the couple on their second or third date just dying to make out but getting drunk to make it more comfortable, the cute couple in their early 20s who can’t go anywhere without holding hands (to be perfectly honest we hoped they would spontaneously burst into fire for their adorableness and blatant bliss), the couple we couldn’t figure out (are they brother and sister? Friends? Is he gay?), the couple that has been together for 10 years and may or may not be married and eat way too much. Every person who entered the bar was with a partner. Well except for the cute bartender but we’ll save that for another entry as that option is yet to be explored. Overall the night was surreal but really funny.

The next weekend we decide to change it up and we visit several establishments in my neighborhood. We actually went to four bars and encountered the same story – couples, couples, couples and more couples. With ever bar this got less and less funny to the point where it got depressing and then it just pissed us off. What is going on? NO single men? NO men who are not single but out with their friends? We’re just out looking to talk to people – at this point any male attention is welcome. I was two beers away from walking up to some random dude, looking at his date and asking: who’s the bitch?? (Story to be explained at a later date as well).

Little did we know the answer to our question was just around the corner. As Meg mentioned previously, we were lucky enough to spend last weekend in the UP at the Michigan Ice Fest, the title of which is very deceiving as it should be called the Michigan Hot Man Fest. Holy mother! Hot men just traveled in packs of four, they were everywhere! The hotel, the pool, the restaurant, the registration, the slide shows and the bar. Even hotter? It was Super Bowl weekend and these dudes could have cared less, they were here to climb some ice! I couldn’t even begin to count the amount of cute, bearded, blue eyed, stocking hat wearing men with amazing butts. And did I mention polite? I mean, dudes who can fix stuff and your mom would fall in love with. And they all seemed to think we were hilarious. We were in such awe we couldn’t even do anything about it. So not prepared for all of this!!

So, the plan for next year: head to the UP, score some hot athletic men and climb more than two feet of ice. The way things are going around here it may the next time we run into a single dude.

Climb on, Climber

This weekend Beth and I headed up to the U.P. of Michigan with some friends for Michigan's Ice Fest. Beth will tell you more about that later. But for now, I thought I'd share an IM between Beth and I from earlier today.

Some background- we were waiting in line for gear and filling out our forms. I asked the guy in front of us if we could borrow his pen. I noticed that the man with the pen was pretty hot. After a few minutes, pen man turned around and asked if we were from the area and chatting ensued. Luckily the event was totally disorganized and we waited in line for about 2 hours. He introduced himself and I think he may've said his name was Guy. Someone else thought it was Don. Beth and I thought he looked like a Dave. So he is Guy Dave in our eyes.

Guy Dave is a roofer in Michigan. His brother got him into rock climbing 5 months ago and he can't get enough of it. He'd never ice climbed before. He wasn't going to take a class- too pricey. He figured he'd just try it out and see how it went. He's even considering selling his drums to pay for more climbing trips. So...conversation continued. Guy Dave appreciated our ridiculous humor and time flew by. After we got our gear we went our separate ways with some "good lucks" and "see you laters" exchanged.

An incredible day of climbing ensued. Beth can tell you more about that. Then, that night, we saw Guy Dave from afar. He was talking to some people and we were going to be friends at the bar so we didn't connect. We figured we'd catch up with them at the bar. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER. Didn't catch up with him.

The next day Beth and I went to watch some of our XTREME friends climb, while we cheered them on and took pictures. Who was there? Guy Dave! Happy as ever to see us. As we expected, he was an instant pro at ice climbing and had fallen deeply in love with the sport. But not nearly as much as Beth and I had fallen in love with him. He's so stinking polite and happy and....how do you say....really freaking hot.

We watched with our own four eyes as Guy Dave scurried up the biggest ice climb with more finesse than Michelle Kwan. Seriously- he looked better than the pros. For as deeply in love as we were with Guy Dave, we were trying to be realistic. There was really no point in trying to stay in touch with this guy. I offered to take pictures of him when he was climbing and he happily handed me his little disposable camera. He walked over to get in line to climb and Beth and I took a picture of ourselves. I think Guy Dave will really like that.

Days have passed, but our deep love for Guy Dave has not. As evidenced by this im...


b: i wonder if guy/dave has developed his pictures yet
m: i thought about that this morning. he needs to show his brother, so maybe. but i could also see that guy having the disposable camera in his drawer for another 2 months.
b: i thought - he finally takes the last two of his car or something
b: a roof
m: exactly. his aunt's birthday party.
b: some new climbing gear
m: happy birthday aunt terry!
m: his buddy gets a new dog, maybe.
m: take a picture!
m: the next door neighbor's new truck.
m: that guy. i can totally see it. it's cold...he's working on some old lady's roof. brings her some dunkin donuts coffee and a cinnamon roll in the morning.
m: he knows her cause he went to school with her son. "mornin mrs. anderson...sure is cold out, huh?"
b: you're so right
b: i'm making the face
b: she makes him hot chocolate and asks him if he wants some
b: he says: i would sure love some, thank you
m: fixes her vcr while he's there.
m: HA. i would sure love some, thank you. it makes my heart hurt.
b: my god
b: that one
b: you leave to run an errand you come back home - your shelves are hung up
b: fridge is fixed so it doesn't make that noise you never realized it made
m: says something like, "i heard johnny got promoted. he's a good guy- you should be proud of him."
b: omg
b: i bet he has a great dog
b: like a rott mix but with the tail not cut off
m: "well i better be going. i'm meeting my uncle jim- gotta help him put in the flooring at my aunt's place."
m: oh yeah- great dog.
b: and he has plaid flannel sheets
b: so warm
m: totally. and some great sweatshirts.
b: and they have the perfect amount of guy smell
m: gives ya shit for drinking skim milk.
b: makes great pancakes
m: works outside all day but always smells soapy. how does he do it?
m: omg- the breakfasts that guy can cook up!
b: right!
b: great tan in the summer
m: amazing.
m: "maybe i should drive you to work today so i can change the oil." FACE.
b: calls your mom "m'am"
m: my mom might try to make out with him.
b: right?
b: comes over to meet the parents and helps your mom with the gardening
b: digs all the big holes
b: really LOVES her food
m: then emails your brother this cool shit he read about that plane stuff they were talking about.
b: i love guy dave
m: i can't handle it.
m: that guy will never divorce you. never.
b: nope
b: he will not have issues talking about endometriosis
m: oh no, not at all. sometimes he drinks too much. that's the biggest problem.
b: right
m: i'm over it already.
b: maybe a slight temper problem
b: but only in the right situations
m: right- but no problem apologizing afterwards.
b: you don't have to throw a guy against the wall just because he called his girlfriend a bitch
b: maybe in a fight he'll punch a wall but then come right back and apologize
m: but he has just the right amount of balls that he would stand up for a stranger. like a guy is on the train harassing a girl. he says something like, "she told you to shut up, man. just leave her alone."
b: yes
b: perfect
b: like the dude that wouldn't leave me alone on the bus
b: if guy dave was on that bus!
m: he NEVER takes a seat if there are women standing.
b: forget it
b: holds doors
b: helps old people
m: offers to hold the old folks' bags for them.
b: and talk about a sense of humor!
m: HA
m: it's fucked up but he's so polite that he only busts it out when he knows his audience.
b: exactly
m: you never have to worry that he'll tell an inappropriate joke in front of your parents.
b: omg and that guy with his brother's kids????
m: jesus.
m: and the oral?
m: holy shit. where did he learn THAT?
b: omg and the not gross way he touches the small of your back when you're out in public?
m: i know. it's almost all business but not.
b: just enough affection
m: this is just what i do. i'm with my gal. what? it's normal.
b: and enough to let the other dudes know you're his
b: that guy - its not above him to fling you over his shoulder and take you to bed
m: it certainly is not.
b: i'm going to lose my mind
m: sometimes he cracks up for 20 minutes over the stupidest joke ever.
m: seriously. if i look at the picture of him climbing, i might just die.
m: that ass?
m: i can't handle it.
b: i know
b: and now that's he's totally perfect?
m: and the harnass just fits it like a goddamn glove.
b: you go to a wedding all dressed up and he whispers to you about how pretty you look
m: omg. so true.
b: just once in a while he'll touch your hair
b: again - not gross
m: dances kinda dorky but he'll get out there for a little bit.
m: he hangs out with your brother without you.
m: michigan ice fest needs an online directory of participants.
b: brings you an extra piece of cake because he knows you love the strawberry filling
b: omg, right?
m: watches just enough porn to make him a guy's guy but not so much that it's an obsession.
b: and it's not gross porn
m: no- very standard.
b: staight forward porn
b: doesn't have an asian gal fetish
b: because they're so petite
m: no. they're cute but what's the big deal?
b: right
b: rocks the boxer shorts and boxer briefs
b: totally has no issue with your gay friends that ALL have crushes on him
m: HA. SO TRUE.
b: he thinks it's hilarious when they come on to him
m: a little more politically moderate than you but he likes that you have your own opinions. doesn't argue with you- he has no interest in that.
m: yeah sometimes dan makes him blush.
m: and sometimes he thinks of people to set them up with. "how about that guy for your friend dan?"
b: yes
b: he may like guns
b: but only rifles for hunting
b: and he prefers bow and arrow anyway
m: oh yeah. he goes to the shooting range with a couple buddies now and then.
m: you have one lame argument about owning a gun but you get your way on that one.
m: he sometimes cries during movies.
b: omg yes
m: not bawling or anything- but the ones with the sick dogs...totally tears him up.
b: that raccoon that got stuck in the chimmeny? he got it out and drove it to some woods to set free - animal control would of killed it
b: and he has that old cage in the garage....
m: his emails are hilarious. always short and kind of lame but you think it's funny that he even emails in the first place.
m: handwriting? so boy.
b: he signs his text messages
b: oh the handwriting
b: he's tried to quit smoking so many times
m: omg. that is epic.
b: and he never smokes at home
m: he promises he will when you have a kid.
b: yes
b: he's uncomfortable goign to that fancy fundraiser with you but he goes anyway and looks way hot
b: sort of suffers through it but he knows its important to you
m: yeah. and winds up being the hit of the event cause he's so polite. you come home and he's all, "bob worthington seems like a cool guy." he knows all about bob's house in wyoming.
b: talks to him about that plumming issue
b: wrong diameter pipes!
b: that contractor totally ripped him off!
m: yeah. "i'm gonna go check out barbara cox's roof next week."
m: WHAT? i hate barbara cox!
m: "sorry. she said she thinks there's a leak. i mean, what was i supposed to say?"
m: TELL HER SHE'S A STUPID WHORE!
m: "uh...come back to bed..."
b: perfect
b: he'll go to the museum of contemprorary art with you
b: really tries but is way confused
b: you end up making fun of the giant baby for an hour and you cry you laugh so hard
m: and when he actually does like stuff he'll say something like, "wow...that's some cool shit."
b: that's just done with lights? no shit?
m: HA
m: later he's telling his friend about it. "they had these crazy fuckin lights. it was pretty cool..."
b: he hates the color you picked out for the bedroom but he paints it anyway
m: and then- where did he figure out how to do that stuff with the borders?
b: you didn't bitch too much when he got that four wheeler
b: even though it stresses you out when he rides it
b: but then he takes you on it and you love it
b: and he makes fun of you for it
m: when he goes climbing with his brother for a week, he tells his uncle to check in on you. uncle john shows up to say hi and you're kind of infuriated and also sort of find it endearing.
b: he shows up way too early one morning
b: on the way to the construction site
b: you're in a rage but you make him coffee anyway
m: exactly!
m: wind up cracking up. forget that you were pissed. just give guy dave some shit about it later.
b: right
m: your fights usually last for about 15 minutes.
b: he leaves to go to the store and you say: so should i be expecting uncle john over in the next 10 minutes?
m: he's so freaking well intentioned you try hard to stay pissed at him but you can't.
b: best makeup sex ever
m: and then he'll apologize so it's like: christ- can i hate you for at least the rest of the day?
b: nope
m: he calls you baby and it's not gross.
b: he smacks your ass but it's not demeaning at all
b: somehow it's totally cute
m: yeah totally. how does he get away with that?
b: he makes fun of you for watching all the hugh grant movies but he puts them on the netflix que for you anyway
m: omg, yes. just adds them to the cue. "why did we get "a walk to remember"? "figured you'd want to see that shit."
b: he'll totally put up with you brining stray animals home - even though he'll be like, um...what the hell am i supposed to do with a wounded squirrel?