No Cobblers!

My dear dear married friend, Goo$e, sent this to me. He's married (Soup Can was the best man) to the most wonderful gal. They give me hope that one day I'll meet someone not entirerly insane. (BTW, the image is from www.marriedtothesea.com)

Speaking of hope, I have a "date" with B on Friday. We've been emailing a little this week, all good, I think. So I hope it goes well. This may be the makeout date. Not sure yet. That B is a tricky one! I'll update on that event this weekend.


*update
So I email B this afternoon asking him what the plan for tomorrow is. Sorry but I'd like to know - a girl has other social events to attend! I get an email back asking when I get off work, he gets off work at 3:30. I send an email back explaining that I am free after 6:00. Then nothing from B.

Slightly annoying.

Around 8:00 pm tonight I send a text message (which makes me feel like a nag and I'm annoyed by this, but I want to see other friends that night too) asking if he has a time estimate. The following text message exchange just occured:

B: Hey! Maybe 8?

Beth: Hey, 8 is fine. How about Charlie's?

B: Charlie's Ale House?

Beth: Whatever Charlie's is on this street.

B: Don't give me whatever

(OKAY is he KIDDING? I mean, he should be but in the back of my mind....wtf?)

Beth: Listen, Sassy. The Charlies on the corner of this and this street.

So far, no response after an hour. Seriously dude, why do you spend hours making me cds and printing out cd covers that are really creative and fun - and you can't answer a one line text message? And the "maybe 8" is so reminscent (sp?) of the "maybe Friday" from Memorial Day weekend. Ohhh.....it's a holiday weekend thing with this dude. Some people act queer when there is a full moon. B does it around holiday weekends.

Stay away from that dude around Christmas! No saying what weird shit he might pull. Sheesh.

Dating for Aliens, Part Deux

After a two week hiatus I get a message from B. I was surprised but pleasantly. I was hanging out with Trudy when said contact occurred, via text message. As Meg was visiting family out of state, I immediately text message her: B texted me, he wants to go get a drink tonight. Except that I send the text to B. Oh yea. SMOOTH. As soon as I realized what I have done, I scream. Trudy falls to the floor laughing. And I have to give B credit here. This is what I get back: He does.

It was hot that day but I was sweating from embarrassment.

I met B for drinks that night. I had a lot of fun. He’s super fun and nice. And wears really good pants. But what is going on here? There’s hugging and he’s paying for drinks but I am still not getting a clear read on this one. Maybe because he’s nice and funny and doesn’t stare at my chest. Or maybe he hasn’t gotten to that chapter in the Alien/Human dating manual yet. The good news is that I like him more and more. The bad news is….well there is no bad news. We exchanged some emails today – a great step – and we’re heading for drinks next week. Now: how to pay for the drinks….he keeps buying and I’m way overdue to take him out. And how to do something else besides drinking. Not that I mind boozing on dates, but maybe a walk of sorts? I’m too tired to think of something right now. Suggestions are welcome.

Overall freakiness factor: this is happening organically and I am so not used to that. I can’t wait to see what chapter of the Alien/Human dating manual he gets to by next week so I can keep you posted. Also, I’ll ask Soup Can for an evaluation of the situation as well. We all need some male perspective sometimes. But (who are we kidding here?) rarely.

If you (don't) love them, set them free

Meg met my latest soon-to-be dating casualty this weekend. Goule (as in Robert) joined us for an afternoon at the movies (The Break Up) and some post-cinema sorrow drowning at a nearby bar. After we parted ways, Meg texted , "Did you end it with Goule? He's a great dude but u r right. No chemistry."

It's been a couple months since Goule and I met. (He's an online find.) It's also been quite a while since I've known I don't enjoy his company.

Q: Why not just say that?
A: Because I opted for the passive aggressive approach first.

Guys purposely f@#k things up all the time to get girls to leave. Bad news, readers... Goule likes me (or is really thick), and I'm the asshole.

After the bar, we started walking back to my place. I faked a bad mood at a strategic street corner and sent him home. He asked if it was him. I blamed my mood. Would it have been bad form to break things off after seeing the Break Up?

Goule happens to be a perfectly nice guy. He's kind. He's attentive. He makes great pancakes. He completely blew my theory that finding one good guy in a sea of sketchy dudes would be enough.

Now it comes to the actual talk. Does it have to be in person? Over e-mail? On the phone?

Meg believes you can break things off using the same medium you used to meet them. However, if it's been a long term relationship or you're living together, they deserve some face time. Should we add this to the list of dating rules?

UPDATE: Using Meg's rule and Beth's editing prowess, I sent Goule an e-mail citing lack of chemistry and him deserving more. (After all, he does.) I get back from lunch to find a very forgiving e-mail response. There were just wishes of good luck and no mention of being friends. This was like pulling off a band aid- the dread is much worse than the action.

It's raining men... I've already met online

After placing a personal ad on Craigslist last week, my inbox is filled with e-mails from men who have already e-mailed me through previous CL ads. Some would say I should really give these guys a chance. Others, including myself, would say these are the men I rejected the first and second time. The third time will NOT be the charm.

I'm seeing the same pictures. I'm reading the same e-mail responses. I'm hitting delete just as quickly as the first time. Why do they send half naked pictures? Why do they respond when they are miles outside my clearly stated dating age range? Why do they begin sentences with "but seriously now." Why do they look for intellectual conversation when the response is littered with misspelled words. Just a gentle reminder dudes... Affect is different from Effect.

Last fall and early this year were a flurry of dating activity for the Disaster Relief ladies. Sharing the horror stories was the fuel to our never ending first dates. Even the so-so dates entertained us... nice guy, nervous tick. What's a girl to do? If Craigslist, the web-land of plenty, is giving me nothing but divorcees and hipster boys who don't shower, where am I to turn?!?!?! Another website? Speed dating? Blind dates? Talking to strangers in public places?

I will not give up. The quest for more uncomfortable moments must continue. I have a responsibility to my friends. Back to the drawing board...

Transparent Tools and the Lovers that Love Them

A while back Beth filled you in on the amazing VERY dirty martini she and Trudy gave to M. M wins my Tool of the Year award this year, with no contest. After a couple months of very casual dating, I called it quits with him because he just didn't seem into it anymore, and that made me not very into it either. He wanted to keep it going, but I just didn't have it in me. About a week after we began dating, he asked if I was seeing anyone else and I said I wasn't. He said he wasn't either. I verified this with him about a month into it because I'm just not into dating multiple people at once. It works for many folks, but for me it's just too many potential STDs to keep track of.

After I end things with him, I look at M's myspace page, because aside from watching gorillas hold puppies, there's really nothing I enjoy more in this world than to stalk people on the internet. I spotted a comment from a woman we'll call R, that said, "Glad you're back! Wink, wink!!" I immediately clicked on R's profile and hit the motherlode. A blog. A blog that mentions M in practically every post. It's clear from this trainwreck of a fourth grade reading level blog, that M and R have been dating for most of the time that M and I were. Including a trip together the weekend before, when M told me he had to go help his dad who just had a hernia. Not only does this guy lie, but he pulls the old sick family member trick! Classy!

I email M:
Read this on R's myspace profile:

I'm in a fairly new relationship. I can't go into details of that
except that my lover thinks there is some uncertainty of my feelings
(even after I spent six hours in the car with him on a trip to
Michigan).

I was wondering what that rash was,
Meg

He writes back:
I assume this was a joke of some kind. (?)
I started seeing R after you. If that's the joke.

I reply:
a)you're a transparent tool.

b)i'm not an idiot.

c)never contact me again.

He, apparently not quite comprehending my email, writes:
Transparent tool...is that when someone does something obvious and un-classy? Like playing stalker on myspace and getting angry about someone moving on?

It'll be like I never existed.

And I respond with:
M, stop letting the terrorists win.

And please re-read c from my previous email.

And that was the end of that. Well, sort of. I, of course, kept reading R's blog because I could just not tear myself away. Unfortunately, she's taken down the blogs about M, but I do recall my favorite excerpt. It went something like this:
"Last night I woke to a squeeze from my lover, and he whispered, "I wake up wanting you."

Amazing shit! I promptly forwarded it to nearly everyone in my address book.

Fast forward to a couple months later. I check in on R's blog and find a post with the subject: MEG!!! Content of post is: We broke up. You can have him.

Have I died and gone to internet stalking heaven? Side note: I'm in a coffee shop now, and "Pictures of You" by the Cure is playing. Something tells me R may've been listening to this when she blogged about M. I know I've put it on repeat when wallowing in lame guy induced self-pity. But I digress...

I emailed R through myspace:
hey r, i'm assuming you mean me because for some reason i click
on your blog a lot. maybe the same reason that i watch gilmore girls
and don't know why. after i broke up with m, and realized that he
had been dating you for part of that time, i considered emailing you
and letting you know in case you didn't. seeing as he lied to me, i
figured he could be lying to you too. but then i just didn't want to
get involved. i have absolutely no interest in dating that dude. he's
a huge tool. it'd be pretty damn hilarious if i'm not the meg you're
referring to. i wouldn't put it past m to date multiple megs
at once. -meg

No response. But that doesn't mean Beth and I have stopped reading her blog. It's so horrific that it's amazing. Beth said that it'd be more useful to replace her blog with pop-up ads. I'd tend to agree, except it does provide us with some level of amusement.

Example of a recent post:
Small World

I ran into two of my ex-boyfriend's friends today.

That might not seem that weird except that I knew them both in NYC -- one still lives there and the other lives in Geneva. They were at the Lake. It was totally random. Of course I was running, sweaty and looking and smelling far from my best. Darn.

I was actually thinking about Ante (the friend) the other day when I made my lemon meringue pie. He lived with me and my friend, Kate, briefly when I learned how to make it. Now I always think of him when I make lemon meringue pie.

I don't care at all about that particular ex, but he always haunts me in weird ways. I once ran into his cousin at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Again: random.

Beth's response:
If I EVER kill myself and not leave a note, please know it's because I accidentally reread this again.

There was another recent post about how she loves summer in Chicago because she can be naked in her apartment and she's always biking biking biking and she can't wait to make some gazpacho! Wow.

Beth: can we discuss for a second, Rs blog entry?
Beth: good thing it’s hot because i like to walk around naked
Beth: M must of read her blog
Beth: she's trying to make him wake up wanting her again
Meg: oh yeah- r and her fuckin blog. it's so true- the naked comment was so directed at M, and any other dude who might be reading it.
Beth: exactly
Beth: so lame
Beth: i can't decide whether to bring the computer home today or not
Beth: if i don't, i'll get more stuff done around the apt
Beth: but i feel naked without it
Beth: maybe i should write about that in my blog
Beth: NAKED NAKED NAKED
Meg: totally. i feel naked without it. did you hear that M?? NAKED.
Beth: cuz its HOT
Beth: SO HOT AND I’M NAKED
Meg; so hot, i think I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER!
Meg: WATER DRIPPING ON MY NAKED BODY
Beth: yes, then I'll just marathon bike
Beth: bikebikebike and make gaspacho and eat it NAKED
Meg: oh god- if it's summer and you can't find me...i'm BIKING!
Beth: yes then i'll run 13 miles and eat some more gaspacho
Beth: that's what i do!
Beth: naked!
Meg: and lemon bars! all while i'm naked!
Beth: yes
Beth because its hot
Beth: its so HOT in the office today

I'd like to thank M for being the huge asshole that he is. R's lame blog really is the gift that keeps on giving. Now if you'll excuse me, it's HOT and I need to get NAKED!

It's hot in here and it's not my space heater!

I know this has nothing to do with dating but I found this picture today and I feel like the first person who put peanut butter and chocolate together. Why have I not thought of this combo before? Jake AND Justin? Brokeback 2 anyone?

Mating with Humans for Aliens: 101

This picutre cracks me up.



Here is my recent experience with Neighbor B (I’ll shorten to B for time’s sake). Maybe someone can explain his behavior to me because to this day I have no idea with B’s problem is.

I live in a great one bedroom on the 3rd floor of a three flat. I have a washer and dryer in my unit. My landlord and his family live on the first floor and up until recently the second floor was occupied by two guys, B and his roommate. For a year and a half I talked and ran into the roommate on a regular basis but never officially met B. Over the holidays a card appears by my front door. On the envelope it reads: Hey Sexy. On the inside (the card has bears in suits on it) it says: Hey Sexy, Merry Christmas, Call me, B! *insert phone number* I assume my neighbor got drunk and I leave things as are but we do share a couple of awkward glances when we see each other on the stairs.

One Saturday morning not too long after the holidays, I open my front door to find a bottle of wine and a note. B is asking to bribe me to do a load of laundry (B and his roommate don’t have laundry facilities in the building). The bottle of wine was a bit much but this didn’t surprise me as if I were in B’s place, I’d be asking to do laundry at my place all the time. I go downstairs, introduce myself, and let B know I’ll leave my apt open for him, as I was leaving for the day. I come back to a lovely thank you note on my table (black stationary, silver pen). What guy owns a silver pen?

Over the next few weeks I run into B at the store but fail to realize it’s him and walk right past until it’s too late. Oops. Meanwhile Meg and Trudy are hard at trying to convince me that B has a thing for me. I still think he just wants to do laundry.

Few weeks later I come home and there is a CD on my door. The attached notes says: I made you a CD, can you tell I need to do laundry? Let me know if that’s okay *insert number* I’ll owe you one again! He made me a CD? He printed a title and matched the song fonts to the artist fonts? Meg and Trudy fly into a frenzy of “he so wants you!”. I’m still skeptical. This time I was home when B came over. He had literally 3 things to wash. I apologize for blowing him off at the grocery store and we chat for 45 minutes. Turns out he’s a great guy! He’s funny! He’s wearing a good cashmere sweater, in that alternative way. He lets me know him and the roommate are moving out in a few weeks. But then I leave for a bbq and he finishes his laundry.

Finally, a few weeks after that I come home to find another CD on my door. Note on it this time says nothing about laundry but asks me out for a drink. This one is also all printed up with coordinating fonts. OKAY – so Meg and Trudy were right, B has a crush.

So B is wooing me and when is the last time any us have been wooed? I’m flattered. We play phone tag for a week or so but make plans for him to join me and my friends on my birthday – his moving weekend. B shows up at the bar and waits for us for an hour and is fun all night. He fits in well with everyone, is very attentive to me. When we end up at my friend’s house at 1:00 am to watch movies, he pays for everything we pick up at the grocery store before – beer, snacks, ect. We end up watching movies, drinking, and cracking up till four or five AM. At this point, B is between apartments so he ends up staying at my place on the air mattress. Wakes up in the AM, goes out and brings us all back coffee (another friend was staying with me too). At this point I’m thinking: I’m not attracted to the guy, but he’s funny and nice AND he’s trying real hard. A date is in order. And at least one make out, if I can handle it.

Two days after I get really sick and am out of commission for 3 weeks. B sends me a few text messages but I explain the situation and he wishes me well and periodically checks in.

Once I get better I text up B. He sends me a message during the week asking if he can buy me a drink. I say yes but don’t hear from him until that Saturday in the late afternoon. Well balls, I already have plans! I suggest Sunday, which gets no response from B, just a voice mail that says: are you going out tonight? I have to say, I’m a little annoyed.

Later that week I feel bad so I send B a message suggesting that we grab a drink during the week. I get a note back saying – maybe Friday. He’s busy at work. Okay – that’s fair but I don’t hear from him until 10:00 pm on Friday while I’m already out. Voice mail: it would make me really happy to get you a drink tonight. Dude, itss 10:00 pm on Friday! Call at 5:00 pm. So I send a message – I’m out already, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend? NO RESPONSE until (hold on to your chair!) a text message at 1:30 am on Sunday. Message reads: Are you still up? (oh yea it did!!).

Sunday Meg and I hit the beach and try to figure this out. No way this guy wooed me for months for a booty call. I send a message: isn’t it a little early for booty calls? I get a lame response back, something about how he was out in the neighborhood and wanted to see if I was out. You didn’t know you were out before 1:30? Right. B got busted. He then sends a lame message inviting me to a bbq at his house – that afternoon. I didn’t even respond. Thanks for your lame ass last minute invite I did ask you what your plans for the weekend were on Friday, apparently it didn’t dawn on him to invite me then. Haven’t heard from him since.

One of my guy friends, Soup Can, had a theory. B is an alien that read some sort of a “how to mate with a human” manual and tried the wine and CDs and now is confused as to why the booty call didn’t work. Good theory. But here is my question: is this guy really an alien or just a tool? Other suggestions?

It’s your call! (And lets not make it a BOOTY call)